I think I really started to fall apart not long after giving birth to my daughter. It was during that time my husband and daughter both became very sick. My husband unknowingly was suffering from Celiac's disease, and my daughter had many allergies that were misdiagnosed for a long time. I consciously put myself on the back burner, because these two people needed me so badly. It felt selfish to think that I could do anything for me, when they were suffering so much. Many people don't understand what Celiac's can do to a person, but it very nearly killed my husband slowly over the course of seven years. It broke down his body, his mind and some days I wondered if the man I loved was ever going to return to me. It makes sense to us now that my daughter is simply her fathers daughter. She suffers from many food allergies, but also has a gluten intolerance.
During this difficult time, I literally let myself go. I ballooned to a whopping 238lbs. I dreaded shopping and would always hide myself away. Many days, I sat on the couch eating fast food, dreaming that my life would magically get better. In short, I was depressed. I day dreamed my days away, and thought negatively about myself. I beat myself up about every little thing. I didn't love who I was, or what I had become. I relived my childhood in my head almost everyday. I was a fit kid. I could run for miles and I was fearless. Yet, in this reality, I was paralyzed by fear.
Anyone who has ever experienced this type of fear knows that it's not easy to move through it. I faked happy for a long time. I slapped a smile on and pretended like nothing was wrong. However, everything was wrong. It really wasn't about being fat, it was a question of did I really love myself. Then I really looked back on my life and I started letting fear dictate much of my life. I would only strive to push minimally out of my comfort zone and never truly reached what I was more than capable of. I missed out on so much opportunity, because of this. It's a sad thought, but something not to be dwelled on.
It was two years ago, that this fear came roaring at me. I honestly thought something was seriously wrong with me. I thought I was going to lose my life, my dreams, a chance to redeem myself. I started having numbing in my hands and feet. At first, I didn't think much of it. I thought I was just sitting too much and I just needed to move around a bit. Then it began to happen more frequently. Within a minute of answering the phone, my hand would be completely asleep. I could be sitting on the couch with my legs turned to the side and my foot would fall asleep. Yet, I did not seek out a doctor. I wallowed. I was afraid and I didn't want anyone to know. I especially didn't want to make any more medical bills. We had plenty of those from my husband and daughter. My husband was still suffering very much from undiagnosed Celiac's and every waking hour was horrendous for him. I couldn't burden him with this.
6 months after my realization of my numbing and tingling, I really started to pay attention to myself. I thought about what I had going on that wasn't normal for any regular person. My hair was falling out A LOT, ever since I had my daughter. My skin was breaking out badly. I was depressed all the time. I was obese. I had numbing and tingling in my feet and hands. I was a total mess. Where do you start with that list. After an argument one night with my husband, I sobbed uncontrollably. I told him about everything I had going on, and he literally made me go to the doctor.
I was so nervous speaking to the doctor, telling a stranger my truths. I have to be honest, it was probably one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had. I was upset by it. She was very kind and pleasant to me, but she told me my symptoms could be MS. She was going to set me up for a bunch of neurological tests, but she had me do some blood work first. I left shaking from that office.
I called my husband, and just cried through the phone to him. He said, "stop crying, go get your blood work done right now." I did just that. I had nothing else to go on at that point.
I thank God he kept me focused in that moment. It was a few days later, I got the call from the doctors office that I had thyroid disease. I needed to get an ultra sound to find out what was going on. They say, the internet is a dangerous place. It's true people. I literally diagnosed myself with cancer after going through all the thyroid symptoms. I didn't have cancer, but I sure did scare myself. Yes, I'm a lunatic. Though I come from a long line of them, so it's pretty normal. I got the results back and I was relieved to find out I had hypothyroidism/hashimoto's disease. Some would be overwhelmed by that diagnosis, but I was just so relieved I didn't have MS or cancer that I took it as a second chance.
It was literally a fews day later I was put on a low dosage of medication. Within a week, I felt like a million bucks. I had energy like no other. Things I didn't think about that were causing me problems. I had restless leg syndrome. It happens when you are completely and physically exhausted, but your legs want to do a freaking jig in the bed. It's completely nuts. I welcomed an amazing nights sleep.
So that's where I got started. A decision to live. A second chance.
This was a little while ago, but I haven't changed too much in the recent months.
I will talk about getting started on my journey in my next post.
Thanks for reading.
